"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."

"I've always had confidence. Before I was famous, that confidence got me into trouble. After I got famous, it just got me into more trouble."

"I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off."

"I think the rules are going to have to change for me to ever run for public office. My checkered past will always keep me out of politics."

"Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes Sin's a pleasure."

"All rising to great place is by a winding stair."

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

"When Bill Clinton was in town, he sent over a balanced budget."