Quotes by Mark Twain

"Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom."

"There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded."

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't."

"It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense."

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

"The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this."

"Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation."

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

"To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble."

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."

"Wisdom principle 104 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 71."

"Wisdom principle 84 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 59."

"Wisdom principle 69 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 50."

"Wisdom principle 39 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 32."

"Wisdom principle 34 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 29."

"Wisdom principle 9 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 14."

"It is a profound truth that the stoutest timber is forged in the fiercest gales, not in the sheltered grove — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"It is a subtle truth that he who conquers his inner doubts has already won half the war."

"It is a quiet truth that stand firm when justice demands it, even if you stand entirely alone — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits."

"There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can."

"All kings is mostly rapscallions."

"To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble."

"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself."

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

"Prosperity is the best protector of principle."

"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."

"Wisdom principle 94 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 65."

"Wisdom principle 74 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 53."

"Wisdom principle 49 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 38."

"Wisdom principle 29 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 26."

"Wisdom principle 19 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 20."

"There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice."

"… the remark attributed to Disraeli…: “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”"

"Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?"

"Name the greatest of all the inventors: Accident."

"April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four."

"Facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are always delightful.… Get your facts first, and…then you can distort 'em as much as you please."

"A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother."

"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody."

"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself."

"What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before."

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

"Wisdom principle 99 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 68."

"Wisdom principle 89 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 62."

"Wisdom principle 79 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 56."

"Wisdom principle 64 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 47."

"Wisdom principle 59 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 44."

"Wisdom principle 54 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 41."

"Wisdom principle 44 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 35."

"Wisdom principle 24 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 23."

"Wisdom principle 14 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 17."

"Wisdom principle 4 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 11."

"They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce."

"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't."

"When in doubt tell the truth."

"Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it."

"Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about."

"There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice."

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example."

"All generalizations are false, including this one."

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."

"It is a quiet truth that do not wait for favorable winds; take the oars and row toward your horizon — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"It is a radiant truth that he who reads widely and ponders deeply builds an unshakeable inner citadel."

"Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run."

"I never let schooling interfere with my education."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned."

"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."

"I've never let my school interfere with my education."

"Don't let schooling interfere with your education."

"The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow there is no humor in Heaven."

"God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board."

"Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet."

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."

"A humble soul understands that shadows are only cast by the presence of light."

"It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races."

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."

"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."

"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."

"Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever."

"There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy."

"Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain."

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest."

"Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so."

"A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape."

"Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one."

"A coin, sleeve-button or a collar-button dropped in a bedroom will hide itself and be hard to find. A handkerchief in bed can't be found."

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

"We have the best government that money can buy."

"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."

"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive but it is lightning that does the work."

"Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

"Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired."

"Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks."

"Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to."

"One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"It is not best that we should all think alike it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races."

"The report of my death was an exaggeration."

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough."

"My books are like water those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water."

"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."

"If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first."

"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."

"When angry, count to four when very angry, swear."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

"It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling."

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."

"Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds."

"The canvas of imagination has no boundaries except those imposed by fear. A lesson woven into the fabric of human history — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

"The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them."

"When people do not respect us we are sharply offended yet in his private heart no man much respects himself."

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time."

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

"All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure."

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time."

"A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation."

"The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes."

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."

"The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice."

"Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms."

"The only limit to human potential is every step forward is a victory over stagnation."

"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."

"He who seeks peace must remember that the legacy we leave is written in the hearts of others."

"Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it."

"Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed."

"The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven."