"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

"Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying."

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."

"The four movies I can remember seeing as a kid were 'The Elephant Man,' 'The Magnificent Seven,' 'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly' and 'Mad Max!' Two of those are westerns. So the western genre is emblazoned on my memory from childhood, and those are two great movies."

"Every society in the history of man has upheld the institution of marriage as a bond between a man and a woman. Why? Because society is based on one thing: that society is based on the future of the society. And that's what? Children. Monogamous relationships."

"He who understands his own mind is never bewildered by the complexities of the world. A lesson woven into the fabric of human history — an essential principle for the reflective life."

"Breathe deeply, anchor your attention in this breath, and let the storm pass. A lesson woven into the fabric of human history — an essential principle for the reflective life."