"A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer."

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny."

"The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose."

"When something startlingly new comes up, young people, especially, seize it. You can't complain about that. I think its heyday has passed, but it's had an effect and will continue to have an effect."

"Your kids can say some cruel things to you at times. For example, Nicole, Miles and Sofie are standing there in the room and I'm dressed to kill in my own mind. They'll say to me, 'Dad, you're not going out there looking like that are you?' If that doesn't kill a star, I don't know what does!"

"Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls... because they can."

"I get around OK with a toolbox. As a kid, I picked up skills following my dad through the oil fields of Oklahoma and West Texas. My wife Janine is hard to impress, but she does think it's cool when I fix things around the house."