"The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army."

"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me."

"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else."

"I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war."

"All women's dresses, in every age and country, are merely variations on the eternal struggle between the admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress."

"I want our government to encourage and protect freedom as well as our traditions of faith and family."