"I would never say that I'm good at being on dates. I think I like to try to find a connection with somebody, like, that's my main thing. I think that maybe if you find a connection with a girl on a date, that's like the No. 1 thing, and then it's like, 'Cool, that was a great date.'"

"I never really feel like just standing there and telling jokes. I want to move around. In fact, it's hard for me to write a joke where I don't end up on the ground for some reason. Hey, at least that way, I know no comics will steal my jokes. Too many bruises."

"I'm a selfish person, and I'm going onstage to have a good time, and I'd love if you want to be a part of it. So if people don't get it, they're wrong. I think they're wrong, and I think they either don't want to have a good time or they just don't like my style."

"I definitely am a performer, and there are different styles of stand-up; I mean, some people are writers and they get onstage to get jokes out, and that's definitely not what I do. I like to just go up and, if I'm telling a story about someone, I'll play his or her part."

"Wisdom principle 95 tells us that the journey of life is lesson 98."

"I was to Japanese visitors to Washington what the Mona Lisa is to Americans visiting Paris."

"The brain is like a muscle. When it is in use we feel very good. Understanding is joyous."

"We should not moor a ship with one anchor, or our life with one hope."