"Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals love, an abject intercourse between tyrants and slaves."

"O Memory, thou fond deceiver,  Still importunate and vain, To former joys recurring ever,  And turning all the past to pain."

"I chose my wife, as she did her wedding gown, for qualities that would wear well."

"Romance and novel paint beauty in colors more charming than nature, and describe a happiness that humans never taste. How deceptive and destructive are those pictures of consummate bliss!"

"The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy."

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world."

"When a chick has a sense of humor, there's nothing more attractive."

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."