"I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer."

"The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted."

"If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks."

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."

"Our national media refuses to report that even the Supreme Court did not say marriage was a human right in all cases nor did it say that the heterosexual definition violated anyone's right or that the heterosexual definition of marriage was unconstitutional."

"I always pet a dog with my left hand because if he bit me I'd still have my right hand to paint with."

"I don't think politics has anything to do with left, right, or center. It has to do with trying to do right by people."

"When women go wrong, men go right after them."