"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

"It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

"All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me."

"I love essays, but they're not always the best way to communicate to a larger audience."

"In a perfect world we would bring corporate tax rates down to 25% or less so we can get competitive in the world economy. Ultimately, I would love to see a flat tax."

"I personally love to run outdoor fitness trails. I love the meditative value I get when out alone, challenging myself to run faster and higher."

"And I loved Fats Waller. I love his instrumental abilities, his vocal abilities and his sense of humor."