"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

"Peace is the happy natural state of man war is corruption and disgrace."

"I will know how to hold you just by the look in your eye, I will never forget - not even on the day that I die. This is a promise of my passion for you, smile at me and make it true."

"No man chooses evil because it is evil he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."

"Get up and dance, get up and smile, get up and drink to the days that are gone in the shortest while."